Winging It

I may have said this in the past but I'm the sort of person who likes to have a plan.  I'm the girl in the gym who walks around with a book or bits of paper and follows the program to the letter.  Lately I have been improvising my workouts, depending on how I feel on the day.  This is all totally new to me and, you know what, I'm enjoying it.  I go in with a bit of a game plan, like yesterday, I wanted to work on my overhead squats as I found them challenging when I did them last week.  I decided to keep the weight low and really focus on form.  Other than that the rest of the workout was impromtu with some caterpillar walks (I think that's what they are called), some ab work and I practiced my squat technique facing a wall.  I then ended the session with loads of stretching.  All in all, a good day at the gym :-)

It's Happened

I've turned into a dirty old woman!  The owners of my Crossfit Box had a head-to-head challenge on Saturday and I stuck around just so I could see them do a WOD without their shirts on.  I'm such a perve!

This Is Me

"This is me ... not posing, not flexing, spreading my lats or angling my legs to make my hips look smaller. I felt like I would be judged because I didn't look like I walked the walk. I had put this expectation on myself that as someone who has competed I should look a certain way ... that I should have the physique of a fitness model. As you can see, I clearly don't. I have big hips, my belly isn't ripped AND I like who I am. I don't count calories, I don't know what my body fat % is nor do I care. I train 5 - 6 times a week and I make those workouts count. I'm strong and I'm fit and I'm me :-)"

I posted this on one of my FB groups today.  I want them to see me for who I really am and the fact that I'm proud of that.

A Confession

This week I posted some photos in the FB groups. One I was showing a pic of my tatt on my stomach, the other was a photo of my abs because there had been talk of leaning out the stomach area. The photo of my tattoo was a picture taken during my first comp prep. I was super lean in that photo and I have to admit I love the picture. I didn't say that it was from 2008, I just posted and explained the tattoo. The second was from the end of last round and I said that it was from then. I also had said in one my comments that I have a layer over the top of them at the moment and would post better updates on the weekend.

The thing is, I am embarrassed with how I look at the moment.  I'm not overweight at all but I feel like I have placed an expectation on myself to be a certain way in these groups; I've created a persona of an ex-competitor who has her shit sorted.  I am lying to myself and to these people.  I am not what they think I am.  Why am I pretending to be something I'm not?  Logic tells me that I can't compare myself to my leanest because, well, it's ridiculous but only I am putting this pressure on myself, not the people in these groups.

I Wish

I wish I could write well.  I often know what I want to say but it always comes out wrong so I end up not saying anything.  I wish I could explain to people that being fitness model lean does not necessarily make you happy - particularly if it means flogging yourself in the gym 2 - 3 times a day and 'eating clean'.  I want to say that I can understand what they are going through; I know that it's hard to see your role models with their amazing bodies and feel like that you, despite all your hard work, fall short.  I wish I could say something incredibly intelligent to make them feel better when they beat themselves up when their measurements or weight doesn't go down.  I wish they could see their beauty, I wish they could be amazed by what their body can do when it's not carb depleted and exhausted - if only they treated their body right.  I want to say that it's okay to be normal, it's okay to have the average body fat %, to be an average weight or to have an average BMI.  Why aspire to be under that - average is healthy, right?

Homework

I feel like every week I give myself homework.  I want to improve or in some cases just simply be able to do the exercises that have been set.  I wish I had time to do the things that I want to practice at home but I always seem to run out of time.

Last nights training included overhead squats.  As usual we did the technique using the broomsticks and then moved onto the 15 kg O-bar.  It always surprises me how different the exercise feels under load and I really didn't feel that comfortable with the movement.  My hips seem to be taking a long time to warm up to the squat and while I do get to the box early and warm up I think I need a bit more time to get the depth that is required.  It wasn't just my hips that didn't like it though; it just felt wrong.  As I felt uncomfortable I modified to front squats instead.

I know that I am able to perform these with the broomstick so the homework I have set for myself is to do these at a lower weight, even if I just use my regular bar at home (which is about 5 kg) and build from there.  Of course, I have to practice the snatch as well.  I'll have to add this to my current homework of box jumps and wall walks.

The Faces of Exercise

I would love to see my facial expressions when I train.  It doesn't matter what type of training I'm doing I go through the same range of expressions; it could be a Body Attack class, going for a run or even yoga.

The first is the excited face just before a session.  I reckon I must be similar to my Border Collie just before we go out walking.  I'm bouncing around, ready to attack the workout and keen to get started.

Then comes the look of assessment.  I think about what my plan is for the session.  If I'm doing Crossfit, I'll think about my scaling.

When the workout starts I get the look of determination.  I'm pumped and am giving it my all.

As fatigue starts to set in I have a look of panic.  "Can I do this?"

And then comes the "I don't wanna" look.  I'm ready to quit, things are hurting and I don't want to play this game anymore.  There are times I most probably look like I'm about to burst into tears and there have been times when I nearly have.  Sometimes I start laughing instead of crying.  If I'm running, I usually start talking to the dog.  At Body Attack, I'll sing along with the song  ... anything to get my mind off it.

Toward the end of the workout I start to focus again.  I pick a point and stare at it.  The end is in sight and I know I can make it.  Unfortunately, if I have gone for a run, the end is usually the hill that we live on but I power up it even though I'm shattered.

And then there is that look of relief and joy when I'm done.  Even if I feel a little green around the gills I'm always smiling at the end of the workout.

Not Quitting

Recently I have allowed myself to wallow in self pity.  My inner child has come out to play and I have had tantrums that because things don't come naturally to me, why should I bother.  It would be easier to quit or to stick to things I know and am good at.  Last week I finished last in a timed WOD, not by a couple of seconds but by a few minutes.  I was glad I finished and didn't quit but at the same time I felt disappointed.  I also feel like this when there are workouts that involve box jumps or anything with gymnastics (I have never, ever been able to do a handstand etc).  I have to modify to suit my limited abilities.  I guess it would be easier to quit but then I think of all the things that I have achieved that I never thought I could do.  The thing with not having a particular talent for anything is that I am always getting better and the smallest improvements are massive for me.

Tonight's workout involves wall walks which terrifies me, only because I fear failure, but I'm not a quitter.  I'll go and give them a try, if I can't do them, that's life, it only gives me something to improve upon.

Passion

Something I have noticed recently is just how passionate people are about their health and fitness regime.  Diet seems to be such a big one, particularly in the Bodybuilding world.  According to some people, the fact that I continued to eat dairy and oats even up to the week of both my competitions meant that I wasn't committed enough to getting lean to do it properly.  Never mind that I was happy with the condition I presented at the time and I cruised post-comp.

Exercise is no different.  I have recently witnessed (and got a little involved in) a discussion regarding the Kipping pull up.  Some people regard it as cheating, and maybe it is, but considering gymnasts learn this form of pull up I'm inclined to say, 'horses for courses'.  The thing that has frustrated me was the initial post was from a person had written about how she got a PB with pullups but when she saw that some other people had gotten a lot more using another technique she had said that she needs to do this technique to say she can do more pullups than what she is currently doing.  To me, it's like comparing apples and oranges.  You can't compare strict pullups with Kipping pullups.  Why couldn't she just celebrate her PB?  The other part is that someone has posted a video of them doing some Kippings and one lady has said she is going to try them at the gym.  It worries me that she is going to do an exercise based on what she has seen from someone posting a video clip.  Obviously, we do Kipping at Crossfit.  I have yet to do any that aren't modified in any way and I currently do jumping pull ups to learn the motion but I have also used a band.  There seems to be a bit of a knack to them, or maybe I'm just a bit useless, but I doubt I could just go to the gym and do them.  Is it reasonable for someone who can't do pullups to try a different style without any assistance?  Am I just being over cautious?

Consistency is King (or Queen)

As I said in my previous post, my training of late has been nothingness interspersed with the occasional rockstar moment.  While it is fantastic to have these moments of greatness, I have decided that this week I'm going for consistency instead.  I have put my head down and, dare I say it, JFDI.  As much as I have come to dislike that acronym, I have found that I need to use it every now and then.

Last night I really didn't want to train.  I was coming up with every excuse under the sun.  I'd had a big day at work and was exhausted from doing a job that involved being in an unventilated area surrounded by 800degC burners.  I felt grotty and tired but went to the gym anyway.  I'm glad I did my workout, I felt so much better for it.  It gave me a chance to shake off my crankiness of the day.  It wasn't my best workout I've ever done but I did it and that made me happy.

On My Way Back

I've been in the doldrums lately.  Both my training and eats have been sporadic with glimpses of greatness and then I fall into a heap. I think this is a normal slump after a challenge and I need to figure out how to get myself out of it without the knee-jerk reaction of heading straight into another challenge.  I need to trust myself.  I am filling myself with the self-talk of "I can't do this on my own" and "I only do well when I'm following someone else's program".  I am stopping this right now. I have learnt so much over the years and I know my body - I can do this by myself..

I think, too, that I need to get back to what works best for me.  As much as it's a struggle to get out of bed during the cooler weather, I need to get back to training in the morning.  I had started training in the afternoons as I could get to the gym while the girls were at dancing but I'm best if I get my workout done early and I don't have to worry about it again.  It also sets me up for a better day at work as I'm in a better mood.

With that in mind I started a new Crack of Arse challenge week (didn't I just say I wasn't going to start a challenge).  This morning was a walk and then squats using my new squat stands, chin ups and some stretches.

The Importance of Scaling and Other Random Crap

I have been getting frustrated with a few things recently.  I have been going to Crossfit for a little while now and lately I feel like I am going nowhere fast.  We have had a couple of intense WODs the last couple of weeks and I have had to think about my scaling options.  My goal at the moment is to get to the point where I'm using one of the bands for my pullups, my current scaling is jumping pullups.  The difficult part while I know I can push out a few sets of strict pullups I have to swallow my ego and scale right back when I'm doing the amount of reps required in the WODs.  Before each session, Sean, the trainer, goes through the scaling.  Last week I indicated that I would like to try the band at some point, to which he said that he,too, would love that but now is not the time.  He wanted me to get the best out of my workout and go for the allotted time, not crash and burn after a couple of rounds.  It was something that I had to consider again last night when we did "Cindy".  It didn't look like much on paper; 5 reps of pull ups, 10 reps of push ups, 15 reps of squats AMRAP in 20 minutes.  The scaling for me was jumping pull ups, knee push ups and I set myself the target of 15 minutes.  I got to just over 12 rounds in that time with the toughest part being the pushups.  I was trembling when I finished and know that I pushed as hard as I could.  I'm thankful that Sean was honest with me and scaled me back as I doubt I would have made it or would have injured myself.  When you think about it, all up I did 62 pull ups.  I guess I find it difficult as I'm not sure if I'm going often enough to make any decent improvement but, to be honest, I'm not sure if I could back up today with another intense workout like that anyway.

I have also been getting a little cranky with the fact that my pants seem to be getting a little tighter and I have a pudgy tummy hanging over my tights.  It seems as though I have gained some weight since finishing the 12wbt.  I wonder if I'm in a 'transition' period since completing the challenge.  I don't want to go back to the constant intensity of the 12wbt to maintain my weight because I ended the program exhausted and, well, broken both physically and mentally.  I'm struggling with that little bubble of panic where I fear the weight will start to pile on but, on the other hand, I want to have the faith that by simplifying my workouts my body will figure out where it's supposed to be.