Baby Steps

I've made teeny tiny steps forward in some areas.

I bought a 20" foam plyometric box for home and have been practicing on that most days.  I can jump on it while holding onto Mal's hands and I feel like I'm getting a little bit better everyday.  The problem is it has wound up my back a little so I'm having to roll out and stretch more than normal.  My massage therapist noticed that my left side is significantly more developed than my right which explains why I jump with my right foot first, it is also my right side that is tight this week.  Could it be the muscles in my hips and back playing catch up because I'm forcing that side to work harder?



Willing my little legs to jump on this thing!

The other thing has been my handstands.  I haven't been working on them at all despite entering a challenge with some other people to work on them daily.  I will spend more time on them once I figure out my box jumps ... one thing at a time.

Today we did handstands at the gym and despite every fibre of my being telling me to not show up and once I was there I wanted to go home.  There was myself and another guy who couldn't kick up into a handstand, both of us having the same fears.  It was kind of nice to have someone in the same boat as me because most of the time I'm the only one who can't handstand.  Anyway, Jardan worked with us to overcome the fear of being upside down.  It felt great to be in safe hands, knowing that there was a guy on either side of me.  I got more comfortable with being in the handstand and I hope my kickup was a little stronger (I barely get off the ground).  The hard bit for me is that I feel like I'm totally upside down where I'm still a little way off the wall and when my feet were actually against the wall my body felt like it was hyperextended.  I think this will be something that I will need to practice to get used to the body position.

Even though I'm getting frustrated with not moving as fast as I would like, any progress is better than no progress.

15.4

I have been given the okay by the physio to get back into Crossfit more regularly although I'm not sure if he meant doing an Open workout but I chose to give it a crack and do what I could without being stupid.

The scaled version was:

10 push press (30kg)
10 cleans (35 kg)

I warmed up slowly and was comfortable with the push press but couldn't clean 35 kg.  When it came to the workout itself my body just gave up and I couldn't even clean the 30 kg required for the push press.  I then proceeded to spend nearly 8 minutes trying to build the weight up to get to 30 kg again.  It's like my muscles fatigue and I can't lift the weight anymore.

Anyway, I ended up with a score of 6 at 30 kg (I did a few rounds at a lighter weight).  In hindsight, I shouldn't have registered for the Open at all this year.  I've only been doing a few reps in the workouts so haven't been getting what I should out of the workouts ... I should be scaling further and getting more reps out.  I am looking forward to the Open being over and I can focus more on building my strength back up again.

Sigh ...

I have been feeling flat and a little lost.  I work with a bunch a people who are stressed and, well, negative which I cope alright with normally as I have the gym and home to balance it all out but without the gym I'm out of whack and I feel like I'm losing my mojo.  I have decided to go to the 4:30 class this afternoon and do my mobility there and cheer on the people who are doing the Open workout today ... I need to be surrounded by that positivity and the hopefully feed off the high from the people doing 15.3.

Fran

The physio seems happy with how my back is going and I can start getting back into exercises that I haven't done in awhile except for deadlifts as they cause the most pain in my hip and lower back.  I'll keep stretching and doing mobility work and hopefully that will improve with time.

Yesterday was Fran.  I haven't done thrusters in awhile as it put a lot of pressure on my spine, particulary the overhead movement, and with that in mind I chose to go really light.  It is incredibly frustrating as the last time I did Fran I was 2.5 kg off doing RXd and now I'm doing 10 kg.

Stupidly I decided to do unassisted pull ups to make up for the fact that I was doing such a light weight, not taking into consideration that I have gone backwards in my pull ups as well (at least 2 bands on a good day).  I regretted that decision from the get go.

So here are the negatives from the workout:

• I have gone from 27.5 kg to 10 kg thrusters
• I didn't make it under the 10 minute cut off
• As I fatigued I totally lost my kip, I couldn't drive with my hips at all and I wonder if it's connected with my weak core.

The positives

• My back felt really good at the end of the WOD.
• I did 45 unassisted pull ups, they were pretty ugly but I did them
• I finished the workout, I didn't want to but I did it.  It really hurts to get cut off but to keep going when the clock stops gives me a sense of some sort of accomplishment, like it was a horrible, horrible workout but I didn't let it beat me.
• Even though I feel like I've made a massive step backwards, it has given me that hunger to improve.  I need to start working on my kip so I can make it through a workout.

Date	Time	Thruster Weight (kg)	Pull up Option
19/09/2012	4:20 (reps 15, 12, 9)	15	Blue Band
21/12/2012	8:50	17.5	Green Band
27/05/2013	7:20	15	Orange Band
13/01/2014	8:13	22.5	Orange Band
22/07/2014	9:03	27.5	Orange Band
6/11/2014	10:02	27.5	Red Band
3/02/2015	10:30	10	Unassisted

Some Disappointing Stats

We have a profile section for the Open, it is where we put something about ourselves and our scores are logged here.  Last year I put in some stats and noticed today how pitiful my progress has been over the course of a year.  There has been virtually no improvement.  I guess some progress is better than none.  The sad part is my current 1RM is not indicative of what is currently in my profile ... I'm worse ... worse than I was in 2013.

	Max at Start of Open
Movement	2013	2014	2015
Clean and Jerk	32.5	37.5	40
Snatch	20	30	30
Deadlift	65	92.5	100
Back Squat	50	57.5	60

Yup

This just about sums it up.

Tired and Grumpy

I'm trying to be all zen about my training, I really am, despite going backwards in a few benchmark workouts as well as my strength work.  I know my back is still a bit tight and I know that I should go for a massage but time and money is an issue.  I continue to show up and I try to give my best effort each day and while I know that my best effort doesn't equal what I was doing a few months ago I'm still giving it my all but I still feel that twinge of disappointment.  My squat has dropped by 12.5 kg, my clean and jerk by 7.5 kg, deadlift 20 kg ... and that's just the movements I have tested.  Have I reached my potential?  Is this as good as I'm ever going to get?  If that's the case I will never achieve an RXD for a benchmark workout or in the upcoming Open.  Should I be content knowing that I'm getting a good workout everyday even though it's not RXD?  Should I be happy not showing progress?  Maybe I'm just a little fragile today and tomorrow will be a better day.

Tales Of A Chronic Overthinker

Last night we had our 1RM squat clean.  I put so much pressure on myself on 1RM days.  I want to show that I have improved, that all my work is paying off.  I think about the weight I'm going to lift and go in with a goal and more often than not I fall short.  I don't even go in with a stupid goal, just 2.5 kg than what I did last time, that's the smallest increment I can go up.

My clean PB is 40 kg and compared to the other girls it's pretty pitiful (I know I shouldn't compare, but it's what I do).  I should be able to lift more than that but I can't.  I am given tips from the coaches which I appreciate and I try to take on board everything they tell me but as I try to correct it I get really uncoordinated and either fail the lift or make the lift but it looks and feels ugly.

I am doing a competition on the weekend and one of the workouts is a maximum 1 squat clean, 2 front squats.  I know I'm the weak link in my team and have said that I will go first, lift 37.5 kg knowing that I can nail it BUT, true to my form, I started thinking about doing 40 kg because the other lady will be doing that as well and as we have a time constraint we thought it would save time if we did the same weight.  This, of course, put pressure of me to nail the 40 kg squat clean in last night's WOD and it just got into my head.

I lifted 37.5 kg and I did 2 reps.  One of the coaches gave me some cues.  I must be patient to the knees, I need the high shrug and to open my hips more.  Yep, got it!  I approached the bar and fluffed it.  I tried it again and failed again.  I stripped the weight to 35 kg, success, added 2.5 kg, success again, put on another 2.5, approached the bar, stepped away from the bar, approached the bar again, did a power clean.  I totally forgot the squat part!  The lift itself felt awkward.  I surprised myself when I cleaned it.  Yes, I got the lift but it shattered my confidence.  There is no way I'll be doing 40 kg on Sunday.

I wish I had the self belief that I can and will make a lift.  I wish I had the technique or confidence in my technique to get over the plateaus.  I wish I didn't beat myself up so much when I fail a lift.  I wish I would stop overthinking everything and just do it.

Sigh ...

Today was an overhead squat day with a rowing finisher.  Really?  Two movements that I suck at the most together.  Bugga!

My back and hips have been really tight since 'Linda' last week so I wasn't holding much hope for my OHS today.  I had a plan of where I wanted to get to but I wasn't feeling confident which was a good thing because I fell way short of my goal weight.  Despite feeling a little frustrated overall I feel okay.  I asked Jardan to watch to see if I hit depth and corrected it which is a step forward with regard to my technique.  I attempted 22.5 kg which is a weight I did a few weeks ago but just couldn't get depth.  The difference is the last time was on a Thursday afternoon after spending 40 - 45 minutes on mobility before the lesson and this morning I did the warm up and rolled in between sets when I should have been doing a plank hold.  I know I need to work on my mobility if I'm going to attempt these movements and I need to do it every day.  If I have an early class I should be doing stretching and rolling the night before.

Where Have All My PBs Gone?

Today we did our 1RM deadlift.  It has been awhile since I've gone for my deadlift 1RM as I think I was unwell the last time we did it.  It was in the back of my mind that I wanted to equal or better my PB of 100 kg and set up my progressions to reach that weight by the time I hit the final reps.

I slowly increased my weights and hit 95 kg and my form was atrocious.  I got the weight up but it wasn't pretty and, as much as wanted to I chose not to go for 100 kg.  A PB isn't worth hurting myself and, to be honest, I'm okay with it.  We had a tough WOD yesterday with Murph and I'm a little tender from the push ups.  I know that often I can't back up when I have done a hard workout the day before and considering how tired I am after this morning's session I can feel that I gave it everything I had.

I'm still at a loss as to where all my 1RMs have gone as I haven't reached them in awhile in several different movements but at the same time I need to look at the bigger picture.  So many things can affect my training: how I slept; nutrition; previous day's training; the list can go on.  I just got to keep swimming.

Next Comp Coming Up

We have another team competition coming up at the end of this month.  This time it is a mixed competion involving 2 males and 2 females.  Karla and I are going to team up again with her hubby Scott and one of the other 6 am peeps Tony.  Again, I think we have a team of people that are competing for the right reasons, and that's to have fun but to also push ourselves the best we can.

I am a little concerned that box jumps are going to come up at some point and if we are unable to scale to step ups I know I'm going to have to step aside and ask someone else to compete in my place.  Although I have been practicing at home I don't seem to be making any headway at all.

I'm also a little concerned that I'll be the weak link in the team.  I'm not nearly as strong as my other team mates and while I can do some body weight movements well I feel like I will let down the team as I can't lift as heavy as them.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I am just wondering if in the next few weeks I should try to up my game.

The difficult thing for me is that when I have tried to go to the next level I often fall flat on my face and am advised to go back in scaling.  I wonder what will make me stronger and better: hard scaling with less reps or easy scaling with more reps.  In some cases, like wall balls, I try to go up to 6 kg but miss the mark more than I hit it and am no repped and get told to go back to 4 kg but I've been doing 4 kg for god knows how long with no sign of improvement.  If there are 6 kg wall balls in the comp, I'm screwed.  My pull ups are the same, I have been on orange band for over a year and the last competition proved that I can't do unassisted in a WOD.  I wish I knew how to improve.

The Universe is Talking to Me

And I know I should listen!  This week I have been inundated with articles shared on FB regarding overtraining and recovery.  It has come at a time when I'm tired and am going backward in my training.  I know I should rest or deload but there is this little part of me that thinks that I'm just lazy and not trying hard enough.  I can see the other girls at the gym improving and I'm stagnate ... I need to do more, to work harder, rest days are for the uncommitted.

I love Crossfit, it's my happy place.  A friend from work just started the beginner classes and she commented that I look so tired at work but at the gym I'm animated and alive.  I'm happy at the gym and I can't contemplate not going 6 days a week ... what else would I have to look forward to each day?

The downside of Crossfit is the need to be and do more.  We celebrate high attendance and cheer when people get PRs.  I get sucked into that way of thinking.  When I did weightlifting I was doing that as well as the WOD plus I threw in a mobility class and pilates to top it off.  I was top attendee for the week, I was also exhausted and ended up sick the following week.  Another week I did a double class and pilates.  Why?  Because a few other people were doing it and that both the WODs looked like fun.  I had a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out) and maybe a dash of wanting to be a 'bad ass' by being able to do several workouts in a day.  Superwoman complex much? 

I get depressed when we have a 1RM day and I don't get a PB.  I spend hours going over it in my mind trying to think of what I have to do to overcome such failure.  I overthink everything instead of allowing my body to do what it needs naturally, I force myself with ugly lifts to try and keep up with the pack.  Is it because everyone loves a winner?

The universe is telling me to slow down, to look after myself.  I forced myself to go to bed early Thursday night and I slept in the following day.  I went to the gym in the afternoon and had the best workout I've had all week.  There's something in that.

The universe is telling me to stop with the craziness.  To look after myself.  I have nothing to prove, I'm not an elite athlete who is training for a competition ... I'm training for life.

Like Mother Like Daughter

The problem with having a mind-numbing, suck-fest of a job is that I spend a lot of my day in my head ... not a good thing some days hence the reason I'm blogging twice in one day.

A couple of weeks ago Missy T came home from ballet crying.  She couldn't get a certain step in her national dance and was in tears due to frustration.  She refused to talk about it with me on the way home as she didn't want my sympathy (she's a strong willed little thing) and hated it when I said to her that she was really good at tap and it was just a matter of a bit more practice.

She cried that she was the worst in the class and gets the lowest marks in ballet and was worried that she won't get this particular step before their upcoming exam.  She couldn't figure out why she has to work so hard at ballet and not reap the rewards of her hard work even though last year she improved her marks significantly, she was still the lowest in the class.  My only advice was to continue to work and she will see the benefits and to not focus on everyone else and celebrate her own improvements.

Missy T is so much like me it scares me.  I feel much the same and there are times when I'm in tears due to the frustration I get with Crossfit.  At the moment, I feel like I'm the worst athlete there and I find it really hard to get the movements right.  I'm not improving at all even with the movements that I'm okay at (I've been on orange band for pull ups for over a year) and let's not mention the movements that I already found difficult.  I try so hard to focus on my own little wins but they are so far and few between that I start to dwell on everyone else's achievements.  Like Missy T I don't want sympathy, I don't want someone to tell me it's okay I just want to be able to do it!

Between work, family and housework I don't have time to practice things in my spare time.  I wish I did.  Luckily T does have that time and practiced everyday. She got the step down pat by the next lesson and is back to her old cheery self at the studio.

Aaargh!

I swear Olympic lifting is the most frustrating thing in the world!  And I also swear that, although I didn't think it was possible, I am actually getting worse at it!  Yesterday was snatch day and I ended up 5 kg lighter than my 1RM and that lift was UGLY!

Today we had a barbell complex of squat cleans and jerks.  Again my lifts were pretty ugly but I got it done but I was still nowhere near my max.  I'm at a loss on what I have to do to improve.  In fact there are so many areas of crossfit where I've hit a massive plateau and it really is starting to get me down a little.  I guess as with so many facets of life it is a matter of grinding away and hope that the improvements eventually come.

That Feels Better!

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  I find it hard to wind down and switch my brain off and often lie there looking at the clock for a long time after settling in for the night.  The result is me becoming a little cray-cray.

I didn't do the Crossfit class yesterday and went to Mobility instead.  Like everything I have to choose between either mobility or crossfit, I can't do both unless I get up at stupid o'clock and do the 5 am class.  I went onto the FB page and looked at the scores for the class and noticed everyone had at least something for the handstand hold or handstand walk part of the WOD.  That sent me spiralling into beat up mode.  Thoughts of "I suck because I can't even kick up into a handstand" and "I don't know why I keep showing up because I'm not showing any progress whatsoever."  I wish I could keep the negativity at bay.  I wish I could do handstands and box jumps and other stuff that people take for granted so I wouldn't get so down on myself all the time.  I wish I had more time in my day to work on my weaknesses.  I wish ... I wish ...

I decided at that point that I needed to take myself off to bed.  I was like an overtired toddler ... having a tantrum because I needed sleep but at the same time I have been fighting sleep all week.

I had about 9 hours sleep and feel so much better for it.  I skipped into Crossfit this morning, ready to attack the workout, not dreading it like I had been last night (it had sprints in it).  I've also taken the day off work which I think is helping with my attitude today as well.

Meh!

Today was a frustrating day at the box.  Split jerks were programmed in again as a barbell complex of squat clean, front squat, push press and split jerk.  I tend to shorten my split when I start increasing the weight so I stuck with just the bar after a piss poor attempt at 25 kg.  My goal for today is to not look at the scores tonight as my total scores was pathetic and I know that it will make me depressed to look at it.

I know I shouldn't compare but I also know that I'm stronger than some of the girls at the gym but my Oly lifting is worse because my movement is off.  I rely on my strength to get me through but that only gets me so far and as a result I'm lagging behind everyone at the gym.  Anyway, I'll keep chipping away, posting crappy scores and hopefully at some point my body and head will connect and I'll improve but sometimes that seems like it's a lifetime away.

Blake

I made the mistake of looking at the scores for yesterday's WOD and, as expected, my score was the lowest by a long way.  It was incredibly depressing to look at which meant that I spent the night beating myself up for being so incredibly bad at my overhead squat.  In fact, I'm pretty disappointed with all my squats as I feel like I should have progressed more than what I have.

Something that I have wondered when I do other exercises like power cleans, power snatch, jerks I don't tend to catch them in a partial squat ... I catch them in a straight leg position.  I wonder if that is hindering me in building strength and training those particular muscles to do what they are supposed to do.  I find when I do finish in a partial squat it exhausts me which is why I think is why I need to focus on it more.

The other exercises I'm working on to hopefully help my squat is my thrusters, wall balls and air squats.  I believe that there are times when I shorten the reps and I'm border-line hip crease below knee crease.  As I fatigue it's a struggle to get 'out of the hole' which leads me to not getting as deep in the squat.  I hope by focusing on my depth in those movements it will teach those explosive muscles to do what they have to do to complete the exercise and maybe (?) help me with my squat strength days.

Obviously, mobility fits in there as well and I wish I had more time in my day to spend on stretching and rolling out.

Today's WOD was the hero workout, Blake which is:

Four rounds for time of:
30m Overhead Walking Lunge 20/15kg
30 Box Jumps 24″
20 Wall Balls 10kg
10 Handstand Push ups

This is one we have done before and here are the stats:

 

Date	Lunge Weight	Box Height	Wall Ball Weight	HSPU	Time
5/06/2013	5	8	4	Floor Pike	22:22
18/06/2014	10	12	4	Box Pike	28:09

 

I'm not sure if I did the full 4 rounds last year as there is quite a time discrepency although I'm happy with my lunge and handstand push up progression.  It was a tough workout and I was shattered afterwards but also felt quite good.

What the???

As I said yesterday I have been working on a few things at home.  I'm practicing my wall walks as well as my jumping.  We have a small retaining wall which is 16" height at the back of our house leading to some stairs and I have been practicing my box jumps on that as I can hold onto the railing while I'm doing it.  I am making some progress in all areas; getting closer to the wall with my wall walks, jumping over some obstacles for both my lateral and forward jumping and doing the 16" wall jump. 

Last night I looked at my bed and wondered if I could jump that.  I had a couple of failed attempts and then on the third go I nailed it.  To see if I didn't fluke it I tried again and lo and behold the jump stuck again.  I then called out for Missy T to show her (she is a box jump queen) and she was excited as I was when I showed her.

Fast forward to this morning at the gym when I decided to try to jump the 12" box and, nup, could not make it happen.  WTF?  I was doing 20" with ease last night and as soon as my box turns from a nice, soft mattress to a hard, wooden box my thinky brain takes over despite the height being reduced by 8".  I wish I could learn to turn off my head.

This morning we did 'Diane' which is a 21, 15, 9 doublet of deadlifts and HSPU.  I went in thinking I would do 50 kg deadies today until I warmed up and changed my mind to 40 kg and the handstand push ups were scaled to box pikes with an abmat.  I did the workout in 3:56 and was pretty happy with the time.  I was a little down on myself in the warm up as we had to do some handstand  holds and it was only me and another girl who couldn't do it.  I feel like such a lame-arse because I can't even kick into a handstand let alone hold myself there.  One day, Michelle, one day.

A Little Help From My Friends

I am so grateful for the people I have met throughout the years.  Yesterday I commented in one of my FB groups that I can't kick up into a handstand when one of the girls in the group suggested some progressions for me.  She is an ex-competitive gymnast and now a gymnastics coach and she was saying that there is no way she would get me to kick up facing away from the wall but instead have me facing the other way with my belly toward the wall and gradually work my way in building my upper body strength as I go.  She also said that this could take months (dammit!)  Nick had suggested this to me awhile ago but due to my lack of progress (I want it NOW!) I stopped doing it.  Ultimately it's back to just chipping away and making little improvements. *sigh*

Ironically, it was a gymnastics WOD yesterday and I admit that I got a little down when I watched the majority of the people kick up into handstands and I had to do box pike.  I find it incredibly frustrating as I am as strong as a lot of the girls that can handstand and I don't understand why they are able to do it and I can't.  Must. Stop. Comparing!

And to top off the week, today was seated box jumps.  Again it was hard not to get disheartened with my inability to jump higher than a few plates as everyone around me were jumping onto 24" boxes and higher but, again, I'm chipping away at my fears and while progress is slow, I'm getting there.  As I said to my training partner, I don't want to be a rockstar I just want to be able to be able to do some of the WODs as prescribed.

A Wise Man

I have been venting to my hubby about my lack of progress.  I was saying to him that we had a chance to work on our weaknesses last week and because I have so many weaknesses I spent most of the time wandering around trying to figure out what I should work on first.  He looked at me and said that I need to pick one and not try and be good at everything at once.  He is a wise man.  The problem with Crossfit is that it is highly variable, I might work on a skill one week and then not do it again for weeks and then I have to learn it again.

Hubs is a sportsman.  He plays cricket, touch football and golf.  Like most people who play sport, he has training for cricket.  He goes down to the nets and will hit ball after ball, bowl for other people and do fielding drills.  He has gotten to be a competent cricket player by practise.  Likewise with the girls at dancing, they do barre work, floor work and amalgamations so when it comes time to learn a dance for concert or competition they have it down pat.

One of my problems is that I start to work on a skill, get frustrated and give up.  The other is that I don't ask for help.  I try to figure it out on my own which then leads to back to the first problem.  I was reading in The Box Magazine about handstanding walking.  Obviously, I'm waaaaay off handstanding walking but the first progression they suggested was the tripod headstand to gain confidence in being upside down.  I was trying and failing at these at home last night when Mal walked in.  As usual, I stopped what I was doing as I didn't want him to see me.  He eventually talked me into having a go and he pointed out that my hands were in the wrong position which is why I was struggling.  Once I put my hands in the correct spot I managed to balance on my head with my knees on my triceps but wasn't quite game enough to extend my legs.  Mal got me to repeat it a few times to ensure that I 'got it'.  Normally, once I have some success I finish up without cementing it in my brain.

I have to accept that I need help and someone like Mal can look at what I'm doing and come up with a correction.  I also need to realise that it will take me smaller baby steps than other people to get to where I want to go and if that means I can only work on one thing at a time then that's okay.  It's better that then trying to work on half a dozen things and not progressing at any of them.  I WILL get there, it may take me longer, but I will do it!