Last night we had our 1RM squat clean. I put so much pressure on myself on 1RM days. I want to show that I have improved, that all my work is paying off. I think about the weight I'm going to lift and go in with a goal and more often than not I fall short. I don't even go in with a stupid goal, just 2.5 kg than what I did last time, that's the smallest increment I can go up.
My clean PB is 40 kg and compared to the other girls it's pretty pitiful (I know I shouldn't compare, but it's what I do). I should be able to lift more than that but I can't. I am given tips from the coaches which I appreciate and I try to take on board everything they tell me but as I try to correct it I get really uncoordinated and either fail the lift or make the lift but it looks and feels ugly.
I am doing a competition on the weekend and one of the workouts is a maximum 1 squat clean, 2 front squats. I know I'm the weak link in my team and have said that I will go first, lift 37.5 kg knowing that I can nail it BUT, true to my form, I started thinking about doing 40 kg because the other lady will be doing that as well and as we have a time constraint we thought it would save time if we did the same weight. This, of course, put pressure of me to nail the 40 kg squat clean in last night's WOD and it just got into my head.
I lifted 37.5 kg and I did 2 reps. One of the coaches gave me some cues. I must be patient to the knees, I need the high shrug and to open my hips more. Yep, got it! I approached the bar and fluffed it. I tried it again and failed again. I stripped the weight to 35 kg, success, added 2.5 kg, success again, put on another 2.5, approached the bar, stepped away from the bar, approached the bar again, did a power clean. I totally forgot the squat part! The lift itself felt awkward. I surprised myself when I cleaned it. Yes, I got the lift but it shattered my confidence. There is no way I'll be doing 40 kg on Sunday.
I wish I had the self belief that I can and will make a lift. I wish I had the technique or confidence in my technique to get over the plateaus. I wish I didn't beat myself up so much when I fail a lift. I wish I would stop overthinking everything and just do it.