The Universe is Talking to Me

And I know I should listen!  This week I have been inundated with articles shared on FB regarding overtraining and recovery.  It has come at a time when I'm tired and am going backward in my training.  I know I should rest or deload but there is this little part of me that thinks that I'm just lazy and not trying hard enough.  I can see the other girls at the gym improving and I'm stagnate ... I need to do more, to work harder, rest days are for the uncommitted.

I love Crossfit, it's my happy place.  A friend from work just started the beginner classes and she commented that I look so tired at work but at the gym I'm animated and alive.  I'm happy at the gym and I can't contemplate not going 6 days a week ... what else would I have to look forward to each day?

The downside of Crossfit is the need to be and do more.  We celebrate high attendance and cheer when people get PRs.  I get sucked into that way of thinking.  When I did weightlifting I was doing that as well as the WOD plus I threw in a mobility class and pilates to top it off.  I was top attendee for the week, I was also exhausted and ended up sick the following week.  Another week I did a double class and pilates.  Why?  Because a few other people were doing it and that both the WODs looked like fun.  I had a severe case of FOMO (fear of missing out) and maybe a dash of wanting to be a 'bad ass' by being able to do several workouts in a day.  Superwoman complex much? 

I get depressed when we have a 1RM day and I don't get a PB.  I spend hours going over it in my mind trying to think of what I have to do to overcome such failure.  I overthink everything instead of allowing my body to do what it needs naturally, I force myself with ugly lifts to try and keep up with the pack.  Is it because everyone loves a winner?

The universe is telling me to slow down, to look after myself.  I forced myself to go to bed early Thursday night and I slept in the following day.  I went to the gym in the afternoon and had the best workout I've had all week.  There's something in that.

The universe is telling me to stop with the craziness.  To look after myself.  I have nothing to prove, I'm not an elite athlete who is training for a competition ... I'm training for life.

Sucking Wind Take 2

Okay, this may be a bit of an exaggeration

Yesterday I did the workout 'Sucking Wind' for the second time.  The first time I did it was in December so it was still pretty fresh in my mind.  I have posted it here before but this is what it looks like:

“Sucking Wind”

For time:

30 Burpees
40 Wall Balls
400m Run
50 Double Unders
500m Row

*Exercises can be done in any order.
Athlete must complete full number before
moving to the next exercise.

I have to admit that I wasn't really looking forward to this workout.  I'm usually pumped for benchmark workouts but the last couple of days I have been dragging my feet to the box but I always get into the workout once I'm there.

The thing I love about benchmarks is it gives me a chance to gauge how I'm improving whether it be a faster time or higher weight.  That didn't happen yesterday ... my time was worse.  It felt like a slight kick in the guts ... I'm not supposed to be going backwards.  I have chalked it up to a bad day and not enough food the night before (Friday night nibbles do not make for a good training session the next day).  I have gotten some positives out of the workout:

• I increased my wall balls to 4 kg.  We have 2 lines on the wall and I did the 4 kg with the lower mark whereas I had been doing the 3 kg at the higher mark.  After talking to one of the coaches this would be much of a muchness with regard to strength and power but it looks better on the scoreboard.  Wall balls is what slows me down and I recognise what I need to do to improve my time; I have this habit of squatting, throwing, catching, resetting the ball and then going into the next squat.  I should be catching the ball as I'm going into my next squat.
• Last time I didn't get any double unders, this time I got several.  I still need to work on these as I can't do them unbroken.  I need to work on my vertical jumping as I tend to lift my legs when I skip and then lose the rhythm.
• I kept running in the run leg.  Last time I walked some parts.  That was a big thumbs up for me.

So despite some disappointments there were a few positives that came out of it and if I continue to work on a couple of things the next time I do it I will smash it.

Mean Girls

Today I need to rant.  The last few days I have been biting my tongue an awful lot as I know PMT has struck and I fear that I might say something I truly regret in one of the private FB groups I'm in.  A girl in the group competed at a fitness expo on the weekend.  The competition was a bikini model comp and she is clearly suited for Figure and borderline Physique so needless to say she didn't place.  She knew that she wasn't the right physique for the comp and was okay with that but the other women in this group that also went to cheer for her on the day swooped on a few of the other girls that competed.  In a photo they posted in the group they called one particular girl a 'fucktard' and went on to say that there were several 'fucktards' there on the day and some of them looked totally clueless.  This is when I saw red.  I can handle constructive critism of someone's physique or their posing etc but what they said was just plain old mean particularly when they have never set foot on stage.  My comment was that anyone who puts themselves 'out there' on stage in an itty bitty bikini should be applauded.  As I said, PMT has made me a little bit more precious than normal but I'm really over mean girls.

Okay, my little vent is over ... time to move on.

On a positive note, my training is still rockin'.  I have scraped shins from deadlifts and calluses on my hands and I'm loving every second of it :-)

I'm Back!

This year has been a bit of a struggle for me.  As much as I love doing challenges I spent a large amount of time during and after feeling like no matter how hard I tried it was never enough.  I have surrounded myself online with some amazing people.  People who are achieving astounding things whether it be competing in Olympic lifting, placing in marathons or bodybuilding competitions.  While it is inspirational I sometimes feel like I'm an underachiever.

Last night I had a shift in my mindset.  My workout was called 'Nicole' which involved 20 min AMRAP 400 m run and pull-ups to failure.  By my third round of 400 m I wanted to walk rather than run, my lungs were in my throat and I wanted to back off but I put my head down and pushed on.  My running was the Cliffy Young Shuffle but at least I didn't give in.  I'm bloody proud of my workout last night, I didn't do the most reps nor did I run the fastest but I kept going and it felt awesome :-)

Putting Things In Perspective

I am continuing to let a few things get to me this week but am trying to work through it.  The issue is that I wanted to give this round a red hot go.  I know it may not be very 'politically correct' but I was aiming for a top 3 finish in the L&S.  My thought process was that if I set myself a goal like that I would do everything I had to succeed.  The reality is that the last 2 winners of this category (who looked fantastic, by the way) lost 8 kg and 11 kg and I have felt that if I had any chance of being in the winner's circle I would have to drop weight.  This month my weight has been up and down and as at the end of week 4, which is milestone week where we have to do measurements and our fitness test, I am only 100 g down from the start of the round.  Needless to say I was disappointed and the competition side of the 12wbt has gotten to me (AGAIN!)  I started to doubt the program and it's ability to deliver results.

I did my measurements last night as well and was also disappointed in them until I accumulated the results.  While a couple of cms here and there don't look fantastic but when I added them together I have lost 9 cm overall and gained 0.5 cm on each bicep.  Once I put it into perspective I realised that my results aren't too bad.

I guess I have set high expectations of myself.  I know it is highly likely I won't be in the top 3 as there are so many people in the program that will have a lot bigger transformations.  There are people who have never set foot in a gym so their improvements are so much greater.  I think it is time to stop worrying about the competition and just be the best version of me.

Comparison Monster Strikes Again!

The problem with doing something like the 12wbt is occassionally the old comparison monster hits.  PMT has struck this week and I'm tired, bloated and feeling a little out of sorts.  I guess it's not the best time to read upbeat posts about how well people are going or to see pics of people prepping for comps.  While I'm ecstatic for them and will cheer them on every step of the way, there is a small part of me that feels fat, frumpy and a little bit useless as I can't do some of the things that other's are doing.  I know it's the hormones talking but once those little seeds of doubt enter your head it is hard to stop them taking hold.

I think a couple of nanna naps on the weekend are required to get me back in the right headspace.

Same Old, Same Old!

It's funny how I can predict my moods/feelings during these 12 week challenges.  Yep, this week is week 6 so therefore I started going into meltdown mode, realising how I have been stuffing around for the last 6 weeks.  It's when I start reading the forum and Facebook posts on how awesome everyone is doing and the old Green Eyed Monster comes out when people start talking about how much they are lifting or how much faster they are running and I feel stagnant.  It's now that I hate the competition side of it and I come to realise that this is first and foremost a weight loss competition and I don't need to lose weight which then sends me into the 'why bother/poor me' mode.  PMT doesn't help, of course.  The good thing is that I know I'll get to the other side of this week, pick myself up and dust myself off like I do everytime I get like this.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday I saw photos of someone else's transformation. I said to Mal that this was the chick who was going to win it, she looked absolutely incredible. I had a fleeting moment the other day that I might be able to come first which would be fantastic as the prizes are amazing. After seeing the other pics I became disappointed and started to do the whole would-a, could-a, should-a, didn't thing. Logic tells me not to compare my results with anyone else's but I think it is human nature. Realistically, I was never in this thing to replicate comp prep. The idea of that sort of prep makes me want to sit in the corner, rocking back and forth. That was what was required though to get the results I saw. For me, it is not maintainable and I have to remind myself that I look okay without going to extreme. I'm eating clean, healthy food, I've cut the nightly treats (and have realised I wasn't eating them out of hunger but 'just because') and I am putting in my all in the gym (and loving every second of it). I may not win a shiny trophy but I've gained so much more.

Today I Feel Good

Last week I was so down on myself. I think the weight of the competition side of the 12wbt got a bit too much. This was not anything that was said or written in the forums but in my own head. I wanted to win or at least have something to show for all my hard work. Last week I felt like I have entered other 'Body Blitz' competitions and, of course, bodybuilding only to be pushed aside and to simply be glanced over. I know these things are for yourself - for your own self-improvement - but it would be nice for someone to think that you are good enough.

This week I feel good enough. Good enough for the people that matter. Not some nameless or faceless person who don't know me and are judging me at face value (or should that be body value). Yep, today I feel good :o)

Woot!

This week's goal was to reach the low 50's and I was very pleased to see the scales reading 49.9 kg this morning so I not only reached my goal, I kicked that goal's arse!!! I think I need to play around with my macros a little as I was feeling a little bit flat this morning - I don't do so well with lower carbs - so I will experiment a bit over the next week.

I started falling into the trap of comparing myself to other people prepping for a comp the last couple of days. This is a silly little habit of mine that I need to let go. Reading other people's blogs is awesome as it motivates me and I find they are very inspirational but there are times when I allow myself to feel like I'm not doing enough to get stage ready. This is my issue not the authors of the blog but I sometimes find myself wondering if I should be training more often or changing my diet. I put a Chinese proverb on Twitter last week which was, “There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view is always the same.” I have chosen my path and I know it works for me. It keeps me sane and I can still function at work. I am limited to when I can train so I can only do the best I can. At the end of the day, I am a wife and mother and prepping for a comp will always come second to my family. This is about improving my physique from my last comp - I am competing against myself - and ultimately I don't really give a toss if I don't place, I'm just enjoying the journey :o)

Wednesday Week 3 Weigh In

For some reason my body doesn’t like Wednesdays, my weight was up 600g from Saturday – I know it will be down by the weekend so it’s no big.

I know that what I’m going to say can seem like sour grapes, that’s not my intention so I apologise if it comes off that way. The challenge has some awesome prizes with first prize a trip to Fiji. Now I would love, love, love to win a trip to anywhere (even Brissy would be fantastic) but, as I have said previously, I don’t have snowballs chance in hell in winning anything. I have noticed that so many people are going well above and beyond the program. One person did something like 3.5 hours of exercise yesterday and I know I just can’t compete with that workload. It concerns me that so many people are training like that as well as not having their snacks throughout the day which means more often than not they are consuming well less than the 1200 calories. Instead of the experts explaining the dangers of overtraining, it seems as though these people are congratulated which worries me. I feel like the competition isn’t about Michelle’s program because those who choose to follow the program are being left behind. On the flip-side, before I had children I would train like a demon, going to the gym, then doing an aerobics class and then play touch footy so I guess there are people in the challenge that have the time and energy and I need to remind myself of that.

There are shout-outs for people who crack the 1000 and 2000 calories burnt in a session. I understand that this can dependent on the individual’s size but then you have others that are feeling guilty and busting their gut to try and get ‘into the club.’ Now I don’t know how many cals I burn in one session as I don’t have a monitor but I know I would struggle to come close – does that mean I am not trying hard enough? No! But that’s the way I (and several others) are feeling. I wonder if it would be different if there weren’t prizes. I also wonder how many of these people are going to crash and burn after the challenge is over. I hope I’m wrong.

What Matters Most

God my hubby has to put up with a lot. Last night I was feeling a little low and, as usual, worrying about not being lean or muscular enough. I'm worried about looking as though I don't belong on stage with the other girls. I'm worried that my posing sucks because I haven't had the time to practise plus I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. Hubby reminded me why I was doing this. I shouldn't compare myself to others, so what if I come last. I'm doing something that a lot of people never have the guts to do. I need to look into the mirror and see a lioness.

I'm Ready(?)

I'm back and am exhausted after a very busy weekend down at the Gold Coast. Our flights left Rocky at 6:30 am on Saturday which meant that we (my friend and I) had to be up and about at around 3:15. Once we got to Brissy we grabbed the train to Indooroopilly so I could train with Liz and another of her clients. What a great workout! My legs are still sore and J, my friend, had to listen to me complain everytime I had to move. My jaw just dropped when I saw the gym. OMG, there was so much space. At my gym they have crammed so many pieces of equipment into a small area there is no room to swing a cat.

After the training session, we trained it down to the Coast and managed to fit in a little bit of shopping. There was a sale at Lorna Jane so as I said to my hubby I could have spent so much more money - I actually saved money. I don't think he bought it.

Sunday was the seminar. We had a small group of 6 ladies which was great as we got to spend some more time with Jo and Donna. I had no idea how hard posing was going to be. I felt as though I was never going to get it. As the day wore on I got more confident but I know I can be so much better. At one point I had a mini panic attack, the other girls seemed so much more leaner and musclier, I felt like walking out. Most of the other girls there would be competing against me in May and I thought I don't have a hope in hell. I gave myself a stern talking to and reminded myself of why I'm doing it. I want to be the best I can be - it doesn't really matter about anyone else. If I place that would be great but at the end of the day that isn't important.

The great thing about seeing Jo is that she could critique my physique. My traps are a bit overdeveloped which could be due to me inadvertantly shrugging my shoulders when performing shoulder exercises. I really need to be wary of that. On the plus side, my abs should be good once I lose a bit more body fat.

The other thing I need to work on is my nerves. I don't know if I should look into some meditative techniques as I can shake quite badly when around people I don't really know or in situations where I'm not totally comfortable.